A Message to the Eldest Daughters

Though not exclusive to the first-born daughters, these are common characteristics observed in the eldest daughters across various cultures. In most recent years, social media platforms have coined the term “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” (EDS) to shine light on the unspoken burdens carried by oldest daughters.

In her 2024 article, Understanding ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’, Chatterjee defines EDS as “a psychological phenomenon characterized by a unique coalition of obligations and challenges that first-born daughters often encounter in their families.”

The Unspoken Burden

To better understand where the emotional labor began, it’s important to discuss parentification. Dariotis et. al (2023) describe parentification as children being forced to take on developmentally inappropriate parent- or adult-like roles and responsibilities. These roles include but are not limited to being language navigators, cultural mediators, confidant, a second parent to siblings, and financial advisor.

Studies show that in comparison to boys, girls are more likely to be assigned adult-like responsibilities in addition to taking care of their siblings (Gonzalez, 2025) and first-born Latinas are held to a much higher standard by their parents than their siblings (Luque & Angeles Rosas, 2025).

Being a parentified daughter comes with many unexpected consequences. When placed in these role reversals, first-born daughters are more likely to experience increased levels of anxiety and depression. Eldest daughters have a higher chance of ending up in relationships where they’re disproportionately giving support rather than receiving it. Additionally, they’re more likely to have high expectations of themselves increasing their risk of perfectionism and basing their worth on performance. Other challenges include:

• People pleasing
• Higher risk of burnout
• Feelings of resentment, guilt, and shame
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• Difficulty asking for and receiving help
• Difficulty letting go of control

What are the Perks?

We’re not here to point fingers, sisters. In fact, my goal is the opposite.

Side Note: we can’t dismiss how social factors such as poverty, language barriers, access to quality care, mental health, immigration status, safety, systemic racism, and more play a role in parents leaning on family, especially their own children, for support. Many parents also carry their own unaddressed generational trauma that led to role reversals (anyway, a topic for another day).

Back to you! The point I’m trying to make is that we can recognize the impact these factors have on family AND on your eldest daughter role.

Let’s talk about the perks. Did you know that first-borns are known to have greater success with education due to their high achieving skills? Additionally, eldest children are more likely to take on leadership roles showing better adaptability, cognitive advantages, and stronger critical thinking skills.

In addition to practical skills, eldest daughters are known for having greater interpersonal skills. Because they were placed in roles that required nurturing and mediation, eldest daughters are known to have qualities that help them form lasting friendships and relationships. Skills such as being more empathetic, caring, responsible, great listeners, effective conflict resolvers, and better communicators. And if we’re being honest, being the one family goes to also provides a sense of belonging, closeness and acceptance from those we love the most.

Finding the Balance

Some coping skills to consider:

• Embrace the Guilt. Hear me out! Visualize guilt as your inner niña doing something different from what she was told to do growing up. See? Guilt isn’t against you, it’s your system’s way of saying, “this is new and new things are scary.” But that’s the point – to do something different in order to break generational cycles.
• Set Practical Boundaries. When I mean practical, I mean lower the boundary that’s causing angst by about three notches and then work your way up. Who said you have to start at a level 10? If a level 3 brings more success, start there!
• Find your Support System Outside of Biological Family. Whether that’s other older sisters, pilates classmates, hobbies, neighbors, romantic partnership, or spiritual connections. Find support systems that align with your current needs. Yes, we find family even in chosen people.
• Start Therapy. Seeking professional help can ensure you receive personalized support that takes into consideration your family dynamics, trauma responses, strengths, challenges, and overall goals.

In case no one has told you, THANK YOU! For holding it down, for being such a critical part of the family, for learning to think of others at such a tender age, for putting on a brave face even if you were actually falling apart inside. Your sacrifices are seen. YOU are seen!

And no, your sacrifices don’t take away from parents’ sacrifices. Yes, they went through so much so you could be where you are today. May you continue honoring your family’s sacrifices and find the gentleness to include yours in those stories.

You deserve love, you deserve compassion, you deserve choice, you deserve rest, you deserve balance.

To all the eldest daughters out there, if you’re reading this, you weren’t meant to carry this on your own. This was not your choice. You are so much more than your eldest daughter role. Te mando un abrazo de hermana y te deseo an abundance of gentleness and healing.

Con cariño, from another eldest daughter,

Viridiana Zendejas, LCSW