The hospitality, respect for our elders, fierce loyalty, obligation, and the genuine love we have for la familia are some of the qualities that bring so much richness to the Latino culture. A concept better known as familismo.
The family value has been a staple in learning how to develop and maintain interpersonal connections with loved ones in Latine families.
One could interpret it as the blueprint for how we show up in relationships. In exchange for family loyalty, there’s community, acceptance, support, and inclusion. All protective factors in mental, physical, and emotional health. In fact, some studies show that familismo has the ability to reduce some levels of stress and nurtures growth and development in children (Valdivieso-Mora et. al, 2016).
But what happens when belongingness depends on how well we uphold family expectations or how much we consider the family’s reputation in personal life decisions? What happens when we question some of the family traditions or cultural beliefs? Could some cultural norms be outdated or are we just being ungrateful? Oof… that one hurt. Deep breath…okay, let’s dive in.
Differentiating Expectations from Values
Let’s start with differentiating expectations from standards and values (yes, there are differences).
Values – I heard a therapist once say, “values are the things that are important to you, even when no one is watching.” Values can be seen as the priorities that make up our internal compass; they guide the decisions we make in our day-to-day life. Some common examples of values include family, respect, kindness, and honesty.
Standards – These can be seen as the behaviors you will engage in in order to honor your values. For example, if one of your values is family, a standard you may practice is carving out weekly family time on your calendar.
Expectations – These are the demands or what we expect other people to do. Basically, assumptions. Expectations are normal and important in relationships when they are discussed openly with others.
Expecting people to behave in certain ways and having family expectations are not automatically a negative thing. In fact, expectations help people feel safe, creates mutual understanding, and can help promote personal growth
When Protection Turns Into Family Burdens
Where family expectations get complicated is when they are used as a way to repress people’s autonomy and individuality. Some common, and even contentious, expectations we hear in Latine families include but are not limited to:
- Getting married, buying a house, having children (in that order)
- Having a successful career to make up for family sacrifices
- Financially contributing to family needs
- Following traditional gender roles
- Prioritizing family needs over individual needs
- Taking care of aging parents without involving outside help
Feeling parental pressure to prioritize the collective wellbeing of the family over individual needs can increase feelings of rejection, shame, and betrayal. Other consequences include:
- Lack of trust
- Fear
- Self-doubt
- Resentment
- Emotional stress
- Increased family conflict
When I think of family expectations, cultural obligations, and just general parental pressures, I can’t help but to relate them to survival skills. Think about it. What is a common theme in expectations, obligations, and family pressure? Control – a sense of control over family behaviors, including relying and depending on each other, is perceived as a “guaranteed safety” in an unpredictable society for Latine families. If we don’t take care of each other, no one else will. And when we consider the experiences of marginalized groups, systems have not provided equitable care to communities of color.
to embody safety within the compounds of the family home would be the most profound demonstration of resistance.
Exerting control in uncontrollable behaviors only leads to family ruptures. I sometimes wonder what families would be like if Latine parents allowed for both to be true; the importance of valuing family safety and the importance of carving our own path in a society often not accepting of people who look like us. No matter how chaotic the outside world is, to embody safety within the compounds of the family home would be the most profound demonstration of resistance.
The Benefits of Individuality
Personal story (but very related to the topic): One time during a session, my therapist brought to my attention my use of WE when I described some of the hardships that shaped my life – and that of my family’s. I made statements such as, “this was a devastating time for us. We are still trying to make sense of our pain.” I hadn’t noticed I was describing my experience through a lens of collective suffering. Was it a coping mechanism? Was it my subconscious participation in a deeply rooted Latino cultural concept that accentuates collectivism over individuality? Hm… ahí se los dejo de tarea.
Even though family has good intentions embedding family traditions, individuality is also critical. When prioritizing family’s collective wellbeing has been such a cultural norm growing up, it’s hard to outline what your own expectations are versus those of your family’s. Ask yourself, “if family opinions or obligations were not a factor, what would be my dream job?” No, not what will bring the most financial security so you can take care of mami when she gets older or what job will make papi so proud he’ll want to take every chance he gets to show you off to all his friends. I mean, genuine dream job where you could just, be. Sigh… I know, right?
Fostering individuality has an abundance of benefits. It provides fulfillment, self-confidence, improved self-trust, increases your ability to set healthier boundaries, helps you create more intentional and meaningful relationships, and reduces overall people pleasing and co-dependency tendencies.
Healing from Family Pressure
But how exactly can we make sure we’re not losing the beauty of community within our Latine families while also building our own identity outside of their expectations?
As a Latina therapist that focuses on Latine mental health, I want you to know that questioning your family expectations and values does not make you ungrateful or selfish. Contrary to our family’s beliefs, questioning itself is not a form of disrespect. Questions stimulate curiosity, create conversation, and can help build a sense of understanding and connection to our ancestors we would otherwise not have.
So yes, questions could actually help bring us closer to our family lineage. This does not automatically mean we will follow in their same exact footsteps. Healing begins when we allow ourselves to acknowledge that our needs matter too even if they look different from what family may have wanted for us. Additional tools to consider include:
- Separate the pain from person – remind yourself that family expectations are not an attack on you; they created a sense of safety for the family given their own experiences.
- Listen to learn – when we’re listening to learn, we’re not fixing. Plus it’s never your responsibility to fix or change other people’s story, including your family’s.
- Redefine your values – start with the ones family have passed down. Assess if they still meet your needs or if you need to make adjustments based on what you are living through today.
- Start therapy – Find a therapist who can help you make sense of your family experiences and how they continue to impact you in your current relationships and self-perception.
Find Your Own Why
You deserve a life that feels authentic to you. One that is not strictly built on obligation, pressure, guilt, or the responsibility to live out your family’s dreams. Take some time to honor your family lineage by becoming curious of their why and build your own why.
Con cariño y compasión,
Viridiana Zendejas, LCSW
References:
Valdivieso-Mora E, Peet CL, Garnier-Villarreal M, Salazar-Villanea M and Johnson DK (2016) A Systematic Review of the Relationship between Familism and Mental Health Outcomes in Latino Population. Front. Psychol. 7:1632. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01632